So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
