Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
