i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
