She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
