Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
