my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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