When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
