i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
