I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
