I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
