WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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