he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't deserve a penis
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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