I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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