Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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