Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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