I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
