The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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