Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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