A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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