Dual....:-)
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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