the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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