And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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