i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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