is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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