you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
