You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
