I feel like abortions should bother me more
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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