Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks