shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
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I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
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who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?