he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
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when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
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Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.