Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
