Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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