but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
