my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
