I just threw up on my dentist
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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