I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
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