It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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