I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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