I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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