never play flip cup with pint glasses
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
