i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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