you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
