Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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