someone owes me an orgasm
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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