i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
this just has baby written all over it
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
