Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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