You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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