my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
