the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
