You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
