i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
if only i could text you this smell
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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