Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
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she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
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I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
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