whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
