I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
