I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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