glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
