oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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