As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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