We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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