Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
