Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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