Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
