Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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